James (j_schnitter) wrote,

Elfen Lied over 7 years later

So the third of July was a bummer coming back from Columbus. It made me realize no matter who I was around no matter how different they were I am still alone, and it seems I will always be alone. Like this is any real revelation the following quotes and paraphrases of quotes come to mind "Of course no body understands you, nobody will ever understand you, you don't even understand yourself." "Nothing in life is more certain than pain." "To pass the time in my room alone." Time should not be considered an enemy fore it is always with us, and unrelenting but like nature you have to work with it since it will always overcome you anyway. Time is more like a precious resource it is not about how much you have but about how you spend it. At this point in my life it is no wonder I feel so helpless. I am stuck at a job working 60 hours a week for an industry I despise. I will never understand the fascination and obsession with cars, they bring me such trouble. I can not get away from this place it takes so much for me to leave on my own. I guess things have always had to get pretty bad or I had to get pretty desperate in order to get the steam to leave my residence. I can never go home again that place does not exist. I guess it is part of growing up but why must it be so painful? I am always so alone, always have been not many people think about me. I miss how I finally had some friends in high school, wish we talked more on the phone than over the net though. But to see each other from 7:30am to 2:30, those were some pretty good days. It is really hard to realize just how down hill life went on after that. No wonder I can identify with Kaede, or Shinji. I am afraid if I keep packing up all these memories I am going to go crazy but I can not help it what is there to do, without memories is life worth living? I remember last year how I wasted so much time and energy in front of my computer in my room alone when I was working first shift, and only 40-50 hours a week. I just wish I had the power within me to resist this empty internet, and live in the real world, with real people. Most importantly would to be get the steam to do such on my own, for me alone, and not just to relive or re-travel past glories but create new ones. After my little hike today I stopped by Putz's dairy whip for some ice cream. I just want to keep the ritual going, especially since I found part of the route I had taken on that hike over seven years ago with the boy scouts. I found the council shelter just past the arched bridge and semi clear spot, though I remember going the other way so it was the bridge after the shelter. This time however I am able to go alone, and with Lilium playing in my pocket instead of just humming it or in my head. I guess I like Elfen Lied so much because of the immense range of emotions it fills the viewer with, and for my dull and boring life right now all alone, and alienated so I want to be a lone, but lonely. No one wants to be lonely. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings. If I must be alone and lonely I might as well get out of the house perhaps and try to enjoy some happy old memories while I am still here, and maybe re-engrave them in a new place in my life. But this is also why I am afraid to leave my city. I do not want to start all over again and without anyone there. It gets really old splitting the time between family as it is. I don't like the idea of spending vacation time with family, not that family isn't worth it but that the only two weeks off are gobbled up by one party or another and nothing else, I would much rather be able to see them more frequently like I do dad and Kim. It just seems clear to me that I do not really like working at all, the regimentation, the time the hours. It just feels like time is never long enough, life never intense enough. So alone, so tired of moving, so weary, just want to rest. I hope I never take for granted a free weekend ever again.
Tags: boy scouts, cincinnati, elfen lied, lilium, memory, mt airy forest, summer
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