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Friday, July 11th, 2014
1:29 am - Elfen Lied over 7 years later
So the third of July was a bummer coming back from Columbus. It made me realize no matter who I was around no matter how different they were I am still alone, and it seems I will always be alone. Like this is any real revelation the following quotes and paraphrases of quotes come to mind "Of course no body understands you, nobody will ever understand you, you don't even understand yourself." "Nothing in life is more certain than pain." "To pass the time in my room alone." Time should not be considered an enemy fore it is always with us, and unrelenting but like nature you have to work with it since it will always overcome you anyway. Time is more like a precious resource it is not about how much you have but about how you spend it. At this point in my life it is no wonder I feel so helpless. I am stuck at a job working 60 hours a week for an industry I despise. I will never understand the fascination and obsession with cars, they bring me such trouble. I can not get away from this place it takes so much for me to leave on my own. I guess things have always had to get pretty bad or I had to get pretty desperate in order to get the steam to leave my residence. I can never go home again that place does not exist. I guess it is part of growing up but why must it be so painful? I am always so alone, always have been not many people think about me. I miss how I finally had some friends in high school, wish we talked more on the phone than over the net though. But to see each other from 7:30am to 2:30, those were some pretty good days. It is really hard to realize just how down hill life went on after that. No wonder I can identify with Kaede, or Shinji. I am afraid if I keep packing up all these memories I am going to go crazy but I can not help it what is there to do, without memories is life worth living? I remember last year how I wasted so much time and energy in front of my computer in my room alone when I was working first shift, and only 40-50 hours a week. I just wish I had the power within me to resist this empty internet, and live in the real world, with real people. Most importantly would to be get the steam to do such on my own, for me alone, and not just to relive or re-travel past glories but create new ones. After my little hike today I stopped by Putz's dairy whip for some ice cream. I just want to keep the ritual going, especially since I found part of the route I had taken on that hike over seven years ago with the boy scouts. I found the council shelter just past the arched bridge and semi clear spot, though I remember going the other way so it was the bridge after the shelter. This time however I am able to go alone, and with Lilium playing in my pocket instead of just humming it or in my head. I guess I like Elfen Lied so much because of the immense range of emotions it fills the viewer with, and for my dull and boring life right now all alone, and alienated so I want to be a lone, but lonely. No one wants to be lonely. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings. If I must be alone and lonely I might as well get out of the house perhaps and try to enjoy some happy old memories while I am still here, and maybe re-engrave them in a new place in my life. But this is also why I am afraid to leave my city. I do not want to start all over again and without anyone there. It gets really old splitting the time between family as it is. I don't like the idea of spending vacation time with family, not that family isn't worth it but that the only two weeks off are gobbled up by one party or another and nothing else, I would much rather be able to see them more frequently like I do dad and Kim. It just seems clear to me that I do not really like working at all, the regimentation, the time the hours. It just feels like time is never long enough, life never intense enough. So alone, so tired of moving, so weary, just want to rest. I hope I never take for granted a free weekend ever again.

current mood: pensive

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Thursday, February 2nd, 2012
9:52 pm - Breaking the Silence
I'm posting in here in order to avoid my account from being deleted. I would hate to loose this chronicle of my past that goes back so far. I wish there was a way to download it.

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Friday, April 3rd, 2009
10:43 pm - Album Review Quotes
Today has been a good day. Here are some of my favorite quotes from album reviews, just a strange obsession with the words. Totally awesome too.

"Even when the industrial revolution happened, few North American bands sounded as manic and dense as the mighty Skinny Puppy. Tackling unpopular political topics, blurring distorted vocals into synth lines, sampling news broadcasts and horror films -- these were the tactics that Skinny Puppy utilized."

"When Ministry and the Revolting Cocks were offering what could be described as industrial noise for people who weren't industrial fans, Skinny Puppy continued to thrive on the extreme and remained far to the left of rock's center. Employing more bass than Puppy's previous albums, Too Dark Park has a bit of a funk element. But make no mistake: The industrial agitators (who had influenced Nine Inch Nails, Ministry, RevCo, Godflesh, and numerous others) were hardly going after rock's mainstream. Forceful and consistently abrasive, these twisted and disturbing collages of samples, electronics, distortion, and heavy guitars push the limits of rock and are about as hardcore as it gets."

"Mind: The Perpetual Intercourse is a departure from the minimalism of Bites. Its unsettling, aggressive songs are constructed from countless layers of punishing samples and sounds. Like Rabies, Mind: The Perpetual Intercourse isn't the sound of Skinny Puppy at their peak, but it's another brutal cog and vital detail in the band's overall blueprint. "

"Fans of industrial music will appreciate the album's [Cleanse Fold and Manipulate] formidable beats and coarse sound samples that seem to be generated from warping the sounds of heavy machinery."

'"Rodent" is monumentally menacing, with Ogre's vocals giving the impression that they've been growled through a megaphone that's been recorded from a microphone at least a half-mile away. Stop-start keyboards effects, phase-shifted grunts and groans, warped handclaps, and screeching sound fragments all give the impression that some mad army of musical warlocks are approaching and encroaching upon the listener."'

current mood: Motivated

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Thursday, March 26th, 2009
8:06 pm - Crashing lower and lower
I just feel so shitty and alone, I just wish I could isolate myself and just work on where I fucked up. I am in my standard two moods, angry and depressed. I just need to let go but I have no idea what I need to let go in order to be a better person. I just feel like I am all alone with the exception of my family. I feel incompetent when it comes to making friends. I fit in nowhere. I am a social failure, I have no friends and no one wants to hang out with me or spend time with me, and the only person that does want to spend time with me

current mood: neglected

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Monday, January 19th, 2009
7:00 pm - Repo The Genetic Opera.
Well last night I went to see Repo the movie and brought Lori along with me. I did not know it was coming to Cincinnati until Saturday and after my disaster of a birthday party there were a few people there who knew who I was talking about when I asked the director the question "Why did you decide to cast Ogre?" It was a good night and we did not get mugged walking home at 0230. It was a good night.

current mood: depressed

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Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
12:52 am
what did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?: Fired an M-16
did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: didn't really make any, but for this year, Ja!
Resolution for 2008 was: None
Resolution for 2009: Stay in touch, cut old ties, but especially make new ones.
did anyone close to you give birth?: Not really, my cousin and a friend of a friend who I met a few times
did anyone close to you die?: No
what places did you visit?: North Carolina, Camp Atterberry
what would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?: A hard work ethic
what date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?: June 13 the day I started my first Job
what was your biggest achievement of the year?: Getting a job
what was your biggest failure?: Plamena, or school?
did you suffer illness or injury?: recovered from pneumonia
what was the best thing you bought?: A whole bunch of CD's including lots of Skinny Puppy.
whose behavior merited celebration?: Don't know
whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: My friend?
where did most of your money go?: Rent
what did you get really, really, really excited about?: my first relationship
what songs will always remind you of 2008?: Hardset Head
compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer
what do you wish you'd done more of: PT and studying
what do you wish you'd done less of?: surf the net
how did you spend the holidays?: With parents
how did you spend new years?: With my ROTC & Pershing Riffle Buddy
did you fall in love in 2008?: Ja
how many one night stands?: None
what was your favorite TV program?: Jericho?
do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: Just about but they might redeem themselves.
do you like anyone now that you hated this time last year?: Don't think so
what was your greatest musical discovery?: Panzer AG?
what did you want and get?: Wallet, Camelbak, CD's and books.
what did you want and not get?: CDs, books, movies
what was your favorite film of this year?: Batman the dark Knight.
what did you do on your birthday?: Hang out with Andy, Megan, Lydia, and Plamena.
what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Being able to drive in February
how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?: Industrial
what kept you sane?: Skinny puppy, joking.
which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: Katie Holmes
what political issue stirred you the most?: Experience
who did you miss?: quite a few people
who was the best new person you met? A lot, mostly from ROTC
tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: Kill emotions

current mood: awake

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Friday, January 2nd, 2009
1:05 am
Well 2009 is here and later today I plan on writing in my journal, writing my resolutions, and such. But anyway I read an entry from an old friend and it was weird remembering that part of my life. It felt so long ago and not bad or good just back then and that I am different now and really do not care about looking back at that part too much. I have lost touch with like all the people and there is like no sense in trying to keep up with them because they have moved on and I am not part of their current life. I plan on this year letting go of old friends and of the past, and plan for the future and the here and now. There is just no point in agonizing over what could have been with people I never see.

I had a good evening with Emily last night at her house with her friends, sitting in the living room playing Wii or cards or what ever and getting warm by the fire, and waiting for her boyfriend to come over. I need to get going and plan for tomorrow. Only one more real day of my winter break. I hope to have a good quarter.

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
9:02 pm - Confirming
Well today I went up to WPAFB and got my Geneva Conventions Identification Card. So now I can shop at the PX and BX stores and all. Anyway it took like an hour and a half to get in, it sucked and I need to go back to put my blood type on there, and no I can not just let it slide I'm just a little too anal about that stuff. I look forward to 2009 since 2008 has been kind of a bad year for me, mostly school wise. So this quarter I plan on getting on and staying on track. Just get all squared away. Now i can get military discounts at unknown places.

current mood: annoyed

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Friday, December 19th, 2008
10:22 pm
Well I saw some of the Dead Sea Scrolls while I was here in North Carolina. It is interesting to see something so old, and i found out that Jews are terribly strict about writing down the Torah which I can totally understand but still even the positions of the characters is supposed to be consistent. Anyway I spent like three hours going through the exhibit reading and listening to like everything there was and there was quite a lot. The scrolls themselves are in pretty terrible condition at this point but they are interesting, and it is interesting all the tests and techniques they are using and involving in them.

Art, art is what separates us from animals, anyway I find it so weird to think about artifacts being so old as from like ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia. I mean pieces of clay made some five thousand years ago marking the period where people were just beginning to develop complex stable civilizations. To think of all the dynasties and empires to come and pass in that time period. It just makes me think.

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Thursday, December 18th, 2008
11:28 pm - About Hippies and Thoughts on God [so far]
My real issue with hippies are the crazy ones thinking they can talk to dolphins or are reincarnated trees, I mean total fantasy land. Plus i get demonically gleeful when I see hippies resort to violence, they just prove their own point that love can not work on its own. And that is mostly why I can not stand hippies, love does not fix everything, everything does not revolve around "love" and that's the way the word has and always will be, cold with some small flickers of light. I would like to see a world full of peace and all but it just is never going to happen, and the sooner you mourn that that is the way thing are always going to be the sooner you can hope the small shed of light you could provide someone who deserves it to maybe still have hope. But I can not stand the idea that love is the answer to everything, because it is not.

Anyway that is really my big problem with hippies, and I could say more but I am just going to leave it there.

Recently I have begun to put hope into a personal idea of God. Just some source of hope that we are not going to blow ourselves off the face of earth, that he gave the chemical stew the spark of life some two billion years ago or so. Maybe he (and I am not being sexist it is because the grammatical gender of the word is masculine, do not bitch to me because English is "sexist" that is just part of the formal rules of language in general) is an inspiration that separates humanity from animals. I just need someone to hope to and think that there is a purpose and meaning to living a good life not hurting other people. Granted I probably have caused some trauma to quite a few people, I can never be certain. Anyway at this time I am not sure I can say I am much of a christian but it is how I was raised, so please do not attack me if I decide to identify myself as such.

And I will say I was wrong in making assumptions and stereotypes of hippies, but everyone does of some other group, not to say it is right because it will burn you. But the left and right do this all the time and I can stand it from neither side, and both are in their own little fantasy lands that makes me want to cry for our country. I am afraid that we are headed to a path of suicide from straight of insanity for causes for everything from animals and the environment to business and morality, when will practical protection every prevail again. And please argue with me (on this paragraph) so I can specify.

current mood: calm

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Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
8:31 pm - Drivers License at Last
Well today I finally got my drivers license, and then drove myself home alone and parallel parked on the side of the street. I am so happy, now I just need to figure out when to drive and study for all the crap I have going on this week and next. My weekend is going to be so busy with homework but I have put it off for far too long. But at least I can drive, and have that option open to me for Co-op.

current mood: ecstatic

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Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
10:10 pm
Do you ever just look around at amazement by how many parts and pieces that makes up the collective mass that you own? I just can not believe how much stuff I have and I really do not have that much stuff. Oh well, it seems like I can not get away from home, because my house is without power, no power no cooking, etc. So I am at home again.

Today I chopped down the peach tree in the back, it was pathetic to say the least, if it lost all of its leaves at once they wouldn't even match to the size or weight of a head of lettuce. I hope the new trees we are going to plant will take off and grow big and tall. Because in the suburban wasteland big trees are a godsend. A yard is not a yard until you have a big tree shading at least part of it, and not any of those stupid toy trees, those are just pathetic, just like the chihuahua in the designer bag.

Today I made a new screen name for AIM, if anyone is interested and tell me what you think: amerikanischerK9. I like it, well bed time.

current mood: good

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Saturday, September 13th, 2008
8:26 pm
So, what did you do last night?: Watched The Formula again but this time with my dad and step mom.

What did you have for breakfast?: Eggs and orange juice.

Name 3 things you love:: The city, the record store, not having the horrible feeling I am loosing a friend.

Name 3 things you hate:: Morons, my lack of initiative, and hippies.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?: Joking about what the best way to play the Jehovah's Witnesses is.

Who was the last person to make you cry?: When was the last time I cried more like.

When were you last sick?: December and January with Pneumonia.

When were you last afraid?: When the security guard asked me why I was taking photos and the cocksucker mentioned Homeland security and the patriot act.

When did you last shower?: Yesterday I guess.

What is that sound?: The refrigerator and road sounds, maybe a dog too.

Is it easy to fall in love?: Hope yes, but not really i always have an overbearing sense of doom.

Do you love anyone right now?: Not really I just need someone but knowing that anyone will do makes me afraid so no one.

Does anyone love you?: Apart from family I do not see why they would.

Has anyone in your top friends ever bought you a present?: Maybe, more a favor/gift, no one cares about my birthday.

Has anyone in your top friends ever made you cry?: More like the absence of them.

Have you kissed any of your top friends?: No.

What would make you happy right now?: If more than one person were talking to me, but at least they want to talk to me, Thank you *hug*.

Is it possible?: Is what possible?

Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: I do not think so.

Have you ever blacked out?: Only from standing up too quickly.

Have you ever seen a ghost?: No.

Have you ever been beaten up?: Yep, by my best friend at the time too, oh the childhood trauma.

All I want for Christmas is:: Camelbak, credit for clothing and a B&N gift card.

After this survey I'm going to:: Pack some more in the milk crates I stole.

Look at number 4 on your friends list, has he/she ever made you cry?: No

Has he/she ever thrown something at you?: No

When did you last see him/her?: Last October?

Has he/she ever made you laugh?: Yes

Do you want someone you cant have?: Yes

What is your favorite Halloween costume?: Do not really care too much

Favorite birthday present?: My digital camera, what else have I gotten for my birthday?

Favorite color?: Black, grey, silver/chrome.

Favorite drug?: something to help me enter oblivion?

Favorite invention?: Photography, cinematography, industrial music.

Favorite movie/ sport/ animal?: Metropolis/soccer/black jaguar or leopard

Are you currently reading a book?: Yes, Kidnapped, and like 4 others.

In a relationship?: Since when?

Is your room clean?: More barren than clean

Are you a happy person?: Not really

What was the last thing you bought?: A dresser.

What was the last movie you saw in a theatre? At home?: The dark Knight, and The Formula

What was the last thing that made you smile?: The arrival of my new bed

What was the last thing you dreamed about?: some weird meeting with Doom, is the one that i remember most I do not remember this morning's dream

What was your worst injury?: The gash on my head I don't remember.

What color are your socks?: White, yes I am boring

What is your middle name?: Henry, yes Henry

What is your biggest turn-off?: Stupidity

What is your biggest turn-on?: random, kinky

Would you kiss the last person that you kissed again?: I can not remember who that person is

Name 3 things that are physically near you:: Laptop, vacuum cleaner and loaf of bread

Name something about you that others might think is weird:: I am not motivated right now

Hugs or kisses?: I don't know all I get are hugs

Day or night?: night is more fun

Apples or bananas?: Apples

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: Not really, I mean there is Schnitzel von Krumm but he is always falling to the side and I don't recover him until like a week or two later

Name someone whos name starts with the letter T:: Thomas

How many people have seen you naked?: Since when?? not too many, doctors, army guys and my parents when i was little

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?: No.

Name something that you are dreading:: The start of school and cooking for myself.

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7:47 pm
I started moving today but did not get too fare since my parents were going out tonight so we only got two car loads of stuff down, and there is no real plan for getting my desk down. I also have no idea of who to invite to my eagle court of honor. Anyway I hate this being so alone, I need someone or some people to see.

I plan on selling my copy of the end of evangelion, That part of my life is gone now and I just do not need it, plus I could use the money.

current mood: obsolete

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Friday, September 12th, 2008
2:27 pm - The Formula
I saw The Formula a few nights ago and I was really surprised with it, it explains my frustration with the system, in the end when the cop and the business man sit down. And you wish that all the human morals and values to take care for people, but then you face the reality that "Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations". ~ Thomas Jefferson

This is very true, i mean this is what the basics of civilization are based upon, the exchange of goods and services of other goods and services. It makes me feel better to complain about corporate America with my dad, and a bit grateful that I am going to be in the military and government. I wish that a Theodore Roosevelt were to appear on the political stage and help clear this mess of a system we have in the U.S.

I hate this too because I feel that the American people are being fooled and subverted by politicians and the media to care about abortion, gay marriage, the war (not to brush it off but in 5 years we have only lost 4000 soldiers compared to Vietnam not to mention that WE sign up to possibly DIE, if I die it sucks for me but it is what i signed up to do is it not?), and the report about trace amounts of arsenic in the water, soy giving you dementia, and how good no child left behind is. When the air you breathe is probably much more of a health risk, companies only have to pay the damage not the clean up cost of their illegal dumping, and using their influence to quash their damages in other countries. I hate how the insanely high college education costs get blamed on the bad economy, and it worries me if i have a kid how will I pay to put them through college, and even worse what to do when it is time go to school when billy the retard is getting all the attention in the class, it's not cultivating the minds of the smarter children who are going to be in charge of the country, all of this just makes me really question do I want to have kids or not. And there is no way Mr. Smith can fix it all, the people are too entrenched, but the system is still one of the best out there, we just need to smarten up, and people do not want to, thanks to the TV and Internet. Anyway I am just really sick of the modern synthesis.

Anyway I recommend to anyone to watch The Formula.

current mood: aggravated

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Friday, September 5th, 2008
12:07 pm
And if the root of silence pulls me off and love is lost not from my heart i sit upon this throne that throws me off.

current mood: cold

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
8:53 pm - Loosing Sight of an Old Friend
Today I met up with a good friend of mine, though I feel like I more intruded than added to her day. And I just see us as growing apart, after college and all like we will have grown completely apart due to no time to see each other and being wrapped up in our own little academic worlds. It just seems so on the horizon but I can see it happening just not sure when. And I hate it but is there anything I can do to prevent it? Maybe I am over reacting but that's just the way it feels, I can blend in but still not fit in.

On a different note I got questioned by a security guard today as I was taking pictures under a highway bridge, the following words were used "homeland security" and "patriot act" need I say more? This nation I feel is on the cusp of being doomed. And I got my CD in yesterday Skinny Puppy - Back and Forth Series Vol. 2. I am so happy I listened to it like all day, though now Joy Division is looking to suit my mood more, I still have not listened to any of their songs but I have heard some samples.

current mood: distressed

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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
1:02 pm
I feel like I am loosing all my friends and it just really hurts, but I guess they are not my friends if they do not want to take the time out for me. I will have to see how work goes Friday and all, maybe I will give a friend a call today, doubt it. I think I am going to go take a shower and try to break this funk but I doubt it will lift anytime soon, I just have to use it as a motivation to get out and not be absorbed by it and sit around doing nothing like last year.

"when adding no results times a shallow digging through
the mud thrown out so expectable intentions not up front"

current mood: melancholy

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Monday, September 1st, 2008
9:25 am
I am addicted to this song. I just listen to it when i get off of work, when I wake up in the morning. I feel pretty abandoned, I guess this should mean I get a pretty clean slate to meet new people, and I am really close to getting my license so that will help. I hope I have enough money saved up for rent this year.

current mood: depressed

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Friday, August 15th, 2008
11:01 am

At least today I am not going to go out spending any money for today. And it's not fixed by education, it is common sense, if people can do it they will do it. Look how many have massive credit card debt and do not realize that they are paying way too much for the shit they have, that they can not afford. But people do it because the option is there, they have learned that ignoring your intuition that 'this is harmful' is alright to ignore, just because you can do it does not make it right.

current mood: frustrated

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